hope never dies

I wish it would, though. I wish I could just forget about him. that’s what I’m trying , because he won’t be in the office all week long. I’m afraid I won’t succeed, though. I mean, even though he’s not there, he’s all over the place. and I’ve missed him, as well.

on wednesday, my friend, her boyfriend, he and I are supposed to go for a drink after work. I don’t think I should go. I’d better stay as far away from him as I can, especially since we will be not only not in the office, but among friends who think we’re a perfect match. the trouble is, I want to go. because I hope when we’re on this kind of double date, something might happen. I don’t want to be hoping, but I can’t stop myself.

things I’ll never say

I went to see him, after I told him I was going to do so. we talked, things went better afterwards, a couple of weeks later we had a drunk conversation on the phone, and we went nearly back to normal.

then last saturday happened.

my best friend, who also works with us on the case, and I cooked him a thank you dinner, as he always pays for our lunch. we had a great time, and I didn’t even try to spent the night at his place (and I was so proud of myself). back at my friend’s place she asked me why I didn’t stay with him. she said his problem is my cluelessness re: my life and what I am going to do with it, but that he does fancy me a lot. that he would like to be with me, but is afraid that I consider him some kind of lifebelt to keep me from drowning in my misery.

I so wish she hadn’t told me, I so wish I didn’t know these things. they certainly fucked up my sunday, which was tragic since it was a really lovely day.

my friend said I should tell him how I really feel. I wonder how come she knows, I never said I’m in love with him. I even tried, maybe I’m still trying, to convince myself that I’m not. but at the end of the day, when I’m perfectly honest with myself, I am. I’m in love with.

but since I still feel I’m not the one he wants, I won’t tell him. ever. I just can’t.

maybe I’m ruining things for myself here - again. but I’d rather stay the way we are now, and suffer in private, than risk our friendship and have the situation go all fishy again. I couldn’t stand it.

can i fix it?

the mayor league weirdness is still driving me crazy. he avoids the topic completely, as long as we pretend it never happend it’s almost like it never did.

for him, that may even be the case, sometimes. but for me it doesn’t work, it just makes me angry. I’d like to smack him really hard occasionally. and then there’s days like yesterday, when we have so much fun together, just like before.

I just don’t get him, maybe he doesn’t know what he wants?

I think if I really want to talk to him, I have to do it outside the office. the lunch break is nowhere near long enough for all our issues, and if we drive each other totally mad how could we work on together afterwards without people noticing it. so I’ll go and see him tomorrow. the question is, should I let him know in advance or should I just invade his place. I’d vote for invasion, but knowing him, it might be better to warn him, or else he might be pissed of.

why are men so complicated?

nutcase

ok, I am now officially losing it. he’s driving me insane.

we happended to meet in the same bed again friday a week ago, and since then he’s been stranger than strange. today, he’s even been avoiding me on purpose. the only time he can stand to be with me is when there are others around. it’s doing my head in. why can’t we talk about it? why can’t I met a normal person, for once?

I hate men!

btw, no news from the editing front…

nanoedmo started

nanoedmo has officially started, and I have done some editing today, 2.5 hours. I mainly did it because I’m too tired for serious writing, and now I’ve done at least something.

the amazing thing is, my novel is not as bad as I thought it would be. actually there are a couple of lines i really enjoyed. well, you may say I’m biased, but I can argue against it. there are also some lines which made me want to throw the manuscript into the fire. luckily I didn’t have one handy, otherwise I might have burned the bloody expensive thing. it cost nearly 10 euro to print it out. I didn’t think it would be that much. never mind, now I can actually lay hands on my work. good feeling, to be honest.

so, now I’m contemplating telling people about it again. but I’m not sure. it’s only fantasy, or a vampire story, rather.

one great positive thing about nanoedmo is that I think so much about the novel and my other texts that there is no room for other things in my head. and that includes him.

and the oscar goes to …

honestly, I think I deserve one, and he does, as well.

on said party with the desasterous end, there was one other colleague, who, of course, spilled the beans about us two dancing all night long in a rather unmistakeable way. there had been rumours about us before, because we got along so well. so, everyone gossipped, and the braver ones even dared asking if anything happended. we, of course, have been expecting this, and have thought of a non-confidencial version of the events, which we’re both telling everyone who is brave enough to enquire (I slept on the guest bed ’til noon, we woke up as hung over as it gets and went for a walk in the park, due to extremely good weather. then I went home, and there the story endeth.)

and apparently nobody doubts it. we do a very good job of pretending nothing changed, while we are both aware that a lot has indeed changed very much.

we still have lunch together, since we used to before, and we talk about everything but us. it’s bizarre. it stands like an invisible wall between us, but we are such good actors, we sometimes even fool ourselves. the first half of yesterday was really good, just like the old times. but some time after lunch we remembered, and everything went funny again. he even avoided me, and that’s pissing me off.

I knew I wouldn’t have any problems with pretending we never happended, I’ve been pretending all sorts of things for so long, I’m a professional pretender. the great pretender, even? but I’m surprised he’s making such a good show of it. but then again, he’s a lawyer. poker face is kinda part of the job description.

seems like I can’t stay out of messy relationships. it’s unnerving, though.

nanoedmo
oh, I forgot something. the month of march will be the official nanoedmo, the national novel editing month. in this month nanowrimo winners (or everyone else with a first draft novel manuscript longer than 50000 words) are encouraged to get the editing of their november babies finally going. I’m going to sign up in a minute, but I don’t know if I will make the 50 hours of editing which are the goal. I need to get some serious revision done on my dll application texts. if I`ll manage to squeeze in some novel editing, that’s fine, if I won’t, that’s not gonna be a tragedy. I’m not as obsessed about it as I was about writing 50000 words in november. which is good. I was a daylight nightmare in november, that’s for sure.

all men are wankers

I think I’ll officially give up men. they’re all so not worth the bother.

I don’t know what exactly happened at the party. maybe we were both thinking about the marry a rich man comment, or maybe we were just too drunk to think at all. maybe it was robbie’s fault, singing and swinging while we danced.

anyway, sunday morning, well, noon rather, I thought, I might as well go choose a wedding dress the next day. sunday afternoon I was thinking about a divorce, and by sunday evening we got to the well it was nice while it lasted, but let’s stay friends stage.

and then we had sex. why do men do this? and more importantly, why don’t I say no? why do I let them do this to me? look, there’s w., she’s got use me written all over her face, or what?

I wonder if we’ll stay friends. it’s a bit strange at work, pretending nothing happened.

but the thing that’s nagging at me most is the fact that on saturday night, it all seemed to be happening. and it felt sooo good.

valentine’s day

and I’m contemplating my romantic future. what a coincidence.

to tell you the truth, I’m not to sure about the romantic. I went for a drink with a colleague after work last night. we talked about the future, and at some point he said: “let me give you a piece of advise here: marry a rich man.” I resisted the temptation to ask him whether he’d like to apply for the job.

the thing is, we’re getting along very well, and I like him loads. sometimes he is so cute I’d like to give him a hug. but these are platonic feelings, it’s got nothing to do with love. right?

can you decide to fall in love with someone?

he’s rich all right.

so here I go again, whinging on how crap life is.

haven’t I decided to stop this? aargh, I’m driving myself crazy these days.

well, honestly: how am I going to change anything when all I do is sitting here pitying myself? nothing is ever going to happen unless I get my lazy self to change things. after all I am the only one who has the power to change my life. it’s about time I’ve remembered that, too.

I’m having a déja vu. I’ve been here before: me realizing my mistakes, deciding to change, and then… forgetting all about it! looks like it’s post-it time again. I have to put little pieces of sticky yellow paper all over the place, so I remember that I am changing my life.

because when I’m perfectly honest with myself, I can’t stand that pathetic girl formerly known as me. I wanna have me back!

(sucky)

does anybody have the combination of this life and knows how to use it?

I could do with some enlightenment here. some advice on getting focused would be appreciated as well. do I need to get one of those self help books I so despise?

you don’t wanna know this, but it sucks to be me these days.